what ails me.

***disclaimer: i'm kinda sorry for this post. but i've already spent a work hour to type it, and i'm too egotistical to let it die in deleted draft land. i don't mean to complain and feel sorry for myself when so many people suffer from life-threatening illnesses. and they'd be happy with any and all of my minor ailments. and i do think about that. it's what keeps me mostly sane about my medical malfunctions. it's just last night i had a bedtime breakdown triggered by this new thing but more because it's sometimes overwhelming to know that i'll be in pain every day for the rest of my life. see? woe is me. thanks for putting up with me.***

i have too many ailments to be just 30. two are chronic, but the rest is just off and on bullshit that comes my way. meet my probable* new ailment. he's called raynaud's. doesn't that just sound crazy? it sounds like a snobby, french restaurant to me. and the actual definition of the condition is quite ludicrous. and even when i describe what happens- my fingers get so cold, they go numb, turn bruise blue and throb- even that to me sounds whiny and asinine. it just seems like it probably happens to everyone and i feel silly for even having a stupid condition like that. but when i experience the symptoms, my smug mood disappears and instead my fingers kill me. there's no real treatment except to deal with it until the cold weather subsides. OMG, i just realized that even that is ridiculous! i live in fucking HOTlanta! but apparently atl's unusual cold snap triggered it, and now it won't go away. it even hurts to type (good thing i'm in front of a computer all the live long day). my two middle fingers (HA! this story just keeps getting better as i document it.) are permanently cold to the touch. even when i've warmed up, these fingers are still frozen. i'm telling you. it's ridiculous. i mean i'm even currently suffering with it, and i think it's just plain silly. i hate silly pain.

i kinda wish my once-a-month migraines and my daily back pain would hold a meeting. "hey, raynaud's! where the fuck did you come from?! you look ridiculous! listen, we got this one. we debilitate her often enough. you can move on."

*i say probable because my brother diagnosed me & from what i've read, if you have the symptoms, it's almost always diagnosed as raynaud's. there are no formal tests and doctors aren't certain of the cause. go figure. something obscure and not even worth the research. sigh.